He left me. After 20 years of what I thought was a fully committed relationship, he just left. I’m nothing, I’ve got nothing, I’ve got no one to support me. I’m so scared.’
Many of us trust our partners to look after our finances. But, when our loved one makes bad or risky decisions with money, we feel disappointed and lose faith.
I often hear these words of disappointment, anger and fear from my clients:
o He was a controlling person
o In our relationship, he managed the money
o He wouldn’t tell me what was going on with our money
o I could not understand, I didn’t get the chance to learn
o He shut me down when I asked financial questions
o He told me that he would look after me and take care of it all
o He said I didn’t have to worry
o What do I do now?
Some women experience financial abuse, which is usually perpetrated by controlling partners
According to the National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) financial abuse fact sheet
‘Financial abuse is behaviour that seeks to control a person’s ability to acquire, use, or maintain economic resources, and threatens their self-sufficiency and financial autonomy….. It can have far reaching or devastating consequences.’
Economic abuse occurs when one intimate partner controls the other partner's access to money. This reduces the victim's capacity to support themselves and forces them to become financially depend on the perpetrator.
‘My worst financial decision was listening to and believing what my ex-husband was telling me every time I questioned how he was investing our money. He always told me to mind my own business and look after the children.’ ~ a TruWealth client
Financial abuse doesn’t happen overnight. By the time a person realises what is happening, they are often deeply involved in a relationship, and struggle to find a way out.
Here’s how to recognise the signs of financial abuse
https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/what-is-financial-abuse-these-are-the-signs/
To protect yourself, consider these key points:
o It is incredibly important to talk about money, even though it is uncomfortable.
Conversations about money can be difficult, even for the average couple. Learning about an assertive style of communication can help to open up these discussions; don’t lay blame or sugar coat, simply be descriptive, state your feelings, and describe what you prefer your partner to do / say.
For example, say: ‘I feel confused and disrespected when you don’t consult with me on major purchases. In future, I’d like us to talk through those purchases. That way, we will be on the same page which will improve the quality of our relationship.’
o Separate emotions from problems. Focus on what is important. Respond to the facts rather than emotions.
o Healthy communication about money is the key in any relationship. You are entitled to know about your family finances. In reality, it is both parties’ responsibility to know what is going on and share control.
Think about: How your superannuation / money is invested? Who manages it ? Why this provider? Are they good at it? As a couple, how do you make major purchases?
o Take interest in what your partner is doing with money. Discuss the reasons behind their decisions and ask for explanation. Remember, it is your money too!
o Don’t apologise if you haven’t done anything wrong. But, also, be aware of the importance of taking the initiative. If you’re unsure, you can learn to become a better money manager. When both parties agree to work together, share the load and communicate effectively about money, you will give your financial relationship the opportunity to improve.
o Involve a third party. Getting financial advice can reduce the imbalance in your relationship and ensure that both parties are on the path to achieve a common financial goal.
If you feel you are being financially abused, please reach out for help before it’s too late.
Financial knowledge and support is key to creating security for women, particularly when a relationship ends
‘I have lost 22 years of my family’s financial security. At my age, that is a scary feeling but I am willing to proceed forward. I need to start making informed decisions that benefit me and my children so we get to feel safe and secure again. I don’t want to wake every morning with a knot in my stomach, questioning what I am doing with my life.’ ~a TruWealth client
As a woman, it’s important to recognise that you have the right and ability to be proactive with your relationship with money. Even if you’re inexperienced, or it doesn’t come naturally, you can learn how to manage your finances successfully and confidently. The only way to learn is to actually do it – and be aware that it’s OK to make mistakes.
Speak up. Ask for help. Financial advisers are here to help you learn, navigate and gain control of your financial situation. Women don’t have to be scared about managing money; remember that your financial wellbeing plays a huge role in your overall feelings of safety and security. You have the strength, and the ability. You can do it.